| Happiness, Not Pain |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|03:33 pm] |
He makes me smile
He makes me laugh
He somehow makes my worries go away.
I could talk to him for hours
I usually do
I miss him when he's not around
If that's all true, why isn't he mine?
Fear.
I'm scared to let anyone get closer.
I'm scared to let him get close.
I'm scared of being hurt again.
I'm scared of hurting again.
Will this ever go away?
Will I ever get past this pain?
This fear?
Will I one day let someone get close?
Will it be him?
If it's not him, who will it be?
Will it be someone who will hurt me again?
Will it be someone who will sweep me off my feet for eternity?
Then again, what if it is the one who makes me happy?
What if I pay him back for his kindness with pain?
I'm so scared to go down that road.
I don't want to hurt him
I don't want to hurt anyone
Why can't I stop?
Why can't I just make people happy for a change?
Maybe one day,
One day far down the road,
I will learn how to cause happiness, not pain.
******************************************
For those of you who know me pretty well, it's not hard to tell who this is about. It's also the reason why I'm so cautious about dating him or anyone else. I'm scared. I hope one day I get past that. I hope if and when I do it's not too late. I hope he doesn't give up on me, but then again, maybe it's for the best.
~Lissa |
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| Andrew's Poem to Me |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:29 am] |
and i all ask of you
is to be true to by heart
to hold me close when days become hard and long
when im lonely and long to be loved
i know youll come through and make me true.
because you're love for me has always shone through
in short i truly and utterly completely love you
you're the one i set my heart too
you're the one my soul crys out for
you're the most perfect of all angels
you're just too perfect to believe
how i got so lucky i cant imagine because you my darling are beyond amazing
in my heart you hold a place
that none other will ever take
i know this love will never be fake
with you i know anything i cna face
i dream of you everytime i fall asleep
i think of you everytime when im awake
i pledge to you Lissa my undying love
***********************************************
Andrew wrote this poem for me right before we got back together. He doesn't know this but I was about to say a joking comment after he finished the poem about how he could say it like that but he couldn't let me be his, then someone highlighted me in another room and when I looked back to where we were talking, he said he was ready. I cried with happiness. Anyway so yeah. |
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| The One |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:11 am] |
I begin to wonder if there is "the one" anymore
As many times as my heart has broken
As many times as my tears have started to fall
I wonder if there is a guy for me
The one whos perfect for me
I begin to wonder if he exists
Where he is
What he's doing
Wonder if he wonders the same
Wonder if he's thinking about me
Not knowing about me
Or maybe he does
Maybe i know him as well
I have wondered if there is more between us than mutual like
I wonder if he's the one
*******************************************************
Few will guess who this poem was about. It was after I left Matt and when I was having a lot of trouble with guys. A guy named Andrew wanted me but I felt uncomfortable around him after our 3 day relationship. I still liked Anthony but hadn't heard from him in a while and I liked another Andrew. This poem was about Anthony. We liked eachother at one point... a lot. We only didn't date because of circumstances keeping is apart. |
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| Second Chances |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:08 am] |
Second chances
Wonderful things
They give you a chance
To right the wrongs
As well as to correct the rumors
I would have given anything
For a second chance once
I had done nothing wrong
He was the second I truly cared for
He was the first boyfriend I loved
I still to this day wonder, “what if?”
What if I had been given a second chance?
What if he had known in time the rumors were untrue
I never cheated on him
I never even thought about it
I loved him
He made me happy
People don’t often meet
Their true love so young
I know I didn’t
I have to wonder though, why
Knowing that he and I are not meant to be
Knowing that he and I are through
I still as what if
I still want to know had I been given
That second chance would we still be?
I think I know why now
I think I have figured it out
I had to want that second chance so bad
So that I could give a second chance
When the time came
When my love and faith were tested
I had to be willing and ready
To give the second chance I so desperately wanted
The second chance was not for me to receive from him
The second chance was for another to receive from me.
************************************************
This poem is also about Matt... the "him" mentioned that I didn't get my second chance with, was Timothy. I don't regret losing Timothy now he is happily married and I don't regret giving Matt up either, I wish I had a lot sooner. |
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| Demons |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:07 am] |
I am left to wonder
Why my happiness is challenged
Why can’t they just leave us alone.
I love him, more than anything
I want to be left with him
The demons of the past are haunting me
I get rid of them, they come again
I fight so hard,
I fight till they are gone
They, however, are not done
I am weak, they return
I am so scared that they will win
That they will weaken me to do the worst
I am so scared that it is true
But it can’t be
He loves me, doesn’t he?
I wish these demons
Would just leave me alone
That they would let me be happy
For a change, for a switch
Stop letting everything go so wrong
Everytime I have loved, I have lost
Let me keep him this time
Don’t let these demons prevail
Don’t let anything else come between us
I want to win for a change
Let me win
*******************************************
This poem is also about Matt... the "demons" being doubt, mistrust, and people trying to come between us... stuff like that. Sadly, mistrust should have been a clue... but I was naieve. |
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| Now and Forever |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:05 am] |
I want to hold him,
I want to hug him
I want to tell him
Everything will be fine
I want to see him
I want to hear him
I want to do more
Than to dream of him
Every night
When I sleep,
I see him sitting there,
Smiling and playing with my hair
As I dream,
I picture him lying there,
Holding me as I fall asleep
I want to hear his voice
I want to see his face
When he tells me he loves me
When he tells me he’s mine
I want to kiss him
To feels his lips touch mine
To taste his sweet kiss
And to know that I am his
Now and forever
******************************************
This poem is how I felt about Matt when I actually thought he was sweet. |
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| Fallen |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:04 am] |
I loved him
He didn’t love me
He told me he did
But he couldn’t have
He couldn’t have had an ounce of love
In that heart of his
And break mine so easily
Without looking back
How did he do this?
He couldn’t have cared
Let alone love me
Though he said he did
How could he let me fall?
So helplessly without support
How could he do that?
It doesn’t seem right
******************************************
This poem is about none other than Matt |
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| What I Took for Granted |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:03 am] |
I never before considered how much it would hurt if I lost you,
Never before thought that the possibility was there,
Never before thought of how it would feel.
Now that I almost lost you, I am thankful that I didn’t,
Grateful that God still has his plans for you.
I am sad that I came so close to losing you,
I am happy that you are still there.
Your sister was a horrible loss,
To this day I can still not get over it.
That I almost lost you makes me realize that we are all mortal.
It made me realize that you may not always be there for me.
That I almost lost you makes me realize that everyone who is precious to me
Needs to know just how precious they are.
*******************************************************
This was written after Timothy's car accident when he was in a coma and none of us knew whether or not he was going to make it. After losing his sister at an early age, I could not fathom losing Timothy as well.
~Lissa |
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| Unconditional Love |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:03 am] |
It seems that the people who cause you the most pain
Are the ones who you love and care about the most;
It seems like they think that since you love them and care about them,
They can hurt you more and you will give them chance after chance
I love him
I care about him
He hurt me
Why will I give him another chance if he asks?
I will give him another chance if he asks because no matter what he does
How bad he hurts me, I love him
Unconditionally
He may have loved me at one point, but it wasn’t the same love
If he loved me the same way I love him,
Unconditionally,
He would still love me, no matter what I have done to him.
That is how unconditional love works,
You love someone forever
No matter how much pain they cause
No matter how mad they make you
No matter what they do to you,
You are still there for them, and you still love them the same.
The same way God loves us all,
No matter what we do
No matter what we say
He still loves us and is there for us if and when we go back to Him.
*******************************************************************
This was written after Jon had made the fateful decision to break up.
~Lissa |
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| Questions |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:02 am] |
How can someone who caused you so much happiness cause you so much pain?
How can someone say they love you and then not be sure?
How can someone say they’ll never leave you and then consider doing so?
Why does love have to hurt so much?
Why can love not be returned?
How can someone not be sure they if they love someone?
How can feelings change so suddenly?
I love, does he?
I am not ready to end it, so why does he have to think about it?
******************************************************************
This poem was written when Jon and I weren't sure if our relationship was going to make it. Do you know how it feels to tell someone you love them and not hear it back? It tore me up inside to know that I wasn't loved back.
~Lissa |
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| Where Would I Be |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|05:00 am] |
I wonder where I would be if I didn’t have my God.
How can people survive if they don’t know Him?
The Creator of all things, My Father, Redeemer and Friend,
I wish I knew how to let the whole world know of my God’s love.
I wish I could convince them all,
Of the awesome power, the wonderful grace,
The amazing power of the one true God.
I wonder what I would do if I didn’t have my God.
The way he sent his Son to die,
To die on the Cross to save me,
Me! From all of my sins.
Why did he choose to this for me?
I am not worthy of the honor I have received.
Yet my God, sent his one and only Son to die for me.
***********************************************
This is currently my only outright religous themed poem. I think some of my others have underlying religous themes, but this one is when I was thinking about people who don't have God and I wonder how on earth they hve survived this long without him. I know I couldn't have
~Lissa |
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| The Way I Feel |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:58 am] |
The way I feel when I look at you,
When I see your smile, the look in your eyes.
The way I feel when I hear your voice,
The way my heart flips to the sound
The way I feel when I hear your name,
To know that your mine and how lucky I truly am.
The way I feel when I touch your arm,
The tingling, the electricity that runs through me.
The way I feel when I smell your cologne,
The thrill of emotions that course through my veins.
This is the way I feel when I think of you,
This is how much I miss you when you aren’t here.
***************************************************
This was when Jon and I were engaged, but my mom didn't know it yet. I went home for a weekend and missed Jon so much. I sat thinking about him and this poem came to mind.
~Lissa |
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| What Lasted Only A Few Weeks |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:56 am] |
What lasted only a few weeks,
Was as sweet as honey,
As warm as spring,
As comfortable as an old blanket.
What ended in only a few hours,
Was as bitter as lemon,
As cold as winter,
As uncomfortable as a porcupine.
I am okay now,
I will be fine,
I will move on.
****************************************
The first time Jon and I dated, everything big happened online. He asked me on our first date at 1:00 in the morning, he asked me for a commitment at 4:00 in the morning and he broke up with me at 1:00 in the morning. As they were all after curfew, it's obvious he couldn't have done it in person. This poem was written about 4:30 in the morning, I had finally finished my paper and Jon had broken up with me, I relly truly didn't feel much loss, if any when we broke up though.
~Lissa |
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| Red, Yellow, Orange and Brown |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:55 am] |
The leaves turn to beautiful colors,
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
From the greenest green to many others.
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
As they change, they prepare,
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
To fall off the branches, to the ground.
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
The weather gets cooler,
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
From the hot Summer sun,
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
To the cool Autumn chill.
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
Who could not forget the beauty,
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
Of the cool Autumn season?
Red, yellow, orange and brown.
***************************************
This poem is reltively self explanatory, I was sitting in the forum the day after Jon and I broke up last fall and it was very beautiful. The trees lining the forum were all colorful and very inspiring.
~Lissa |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:54 am] |
A year gone by, I still remember.
His sweet lips against mine
The taste of his breath
The sensation of his hands on my back,
On my shoulders, on my neck.
A year gone by, I still remember.
The way he used to look at me.
His smile meant only for me.
His eyes smiling also,
Not understanding why I could like him.
But, a year gone by and, I still remember.
The pain I felt when we broke up.
The lies I discovered he had told.
Can I forgive him? Yes.
Could we ever again? No.
******************************************
A year after getting over Ryan I looked back on our relationship. I still remembered what I thought made me so happy. A lot of people told me after we broke up that there was no way Ryan and I were over, but it was obvious to me we were. I used to joke around with people and be like, "I hope he asks me for another chance, because I would laugh and then punch him in his face." I would never punch someone, but the pain he caused me by lying to me was far too great to ever give him another chance.
~Lissa |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:53 am] |
I thought we were happy.
I thought we would always be together.
Maybe it was the way they were talking,
Saying things like,
“You’ll be the person he marries.”
“I want to be your bridesmaid when you marry him.”
I thought you cared about me,
The way I care about you.
I thought you were happy.
The way you acted.
The way you talked.
I thought you were as happy as me.
I want to thank you
You helped me to see myself,
The way I never saw myself before.
People always ask questions to others,
Questions like, “If you knew then,
What you know now,
Would you do it again?”
My answer would be yes.
Even through the pain and sorrow,
The way I felt afterward.
You showed me a happiness,
A happiness I’d never felt before.
****************************************
This was written when I hd finally gotten over Ryan. It took me an odd amount of time considering that our relationship was in no way strong. I was not in love with him, and I felt our reltionship was doomed anyway. I thought I was happy with him, but I wasn't. I think I would do it again, but I'm not sure what purpose dating him had in my life. Maybe it was to make sure my next relationship was a lot healthier.
~Lissa |
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| Dana |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:52 am] |
The short time I knew you
I had a best friend.
We played, we talked
We had so much fun.
That was when it had to end.
That was when the kid,
Just to play a joke,
Set fire to your house.
He said he thought no one was home.
But you were home Dana,
We lost you that day.
He said he didn’t mean to kill Dana Reyner.
********************************************
Dana was my best friend in 4th grade. We did everything together, we were inseparable. One night, Dana was supposed to stay the night at my house and I got grounded so she couldn't come over. The next day the whole Reyner family was out of school and Timothy asked came over to my house later. Jayson Bigson, a fifth grader and an arch-rival of Tim's set fire to their house. He didn't know anyone was in the house. I still have some self-blame there because if I hadn't gotten grounded, Dana wouldn't have died. It is still hard to walk past the site where her house once stood. I wrote this poem my junior year on the anniversary of her death.
In Memory of Dana Nichole Reyner
January 13, 1985 - April 23, 1994
~Lissa |
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| Loss |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:51 am] |
Why does it have to hurt so much
When you lose someone?
You know they are going to leave
You know they can’t stay.
Everyone has to leave sometime,
You hear it all the time,
He’s sick,
She’s dying,
Everyone dies.
I lost someone, he was sick.
I knew he would go,
It came as a shock,
It happened too soon.
Why does it hurt so much.
When you lose someone?
*******************************************
This was my thrid poem, after a break from writing poetry I didn't know what to write, but I was registered for a trip and my poem was due soon. The only thing I could think about was my grandma's cousin Dave, who was like an "uncle" to the whole family. Uncle Dave had died over Christmas break. We knew he was old and sick and we knew he was going to die, but we hadn't realized how soon it was. So at a loss for anything else to write about, I wrote this poem for Dave.
~Lissa |
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| Lost |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:49 am] |
Hurt, confused, lonely
I am so alone
Hidden inside myself
A free-spirited being
Waiting to be released
Waiting, waiting
To be brought into
This world through me
I would love to
Bring it out.
Show the world
Who I really am
But that is easier
Said than done.
No one will let me
Bring me, the real
Me out to the world.
I am so lost,
It isn’t me,
Not the real me!
****************************************
This was my second poem that I wrote, there was a very interesting story behind my first one that I will tell you though, because it is how I got started writing poetry. When I was in seventh grade my English teacher told us about a high school writing contest and we all had to write something for it, but it was our choice as to whether we submitted it or not. I wrote my poem, the "Hungry Butterfly" about the cycle of a little butterfly who was hungry and thirsty, he ate and drank but eventually he became hungry and thirsty again. I now apply this to life. We eat and drink, but are never satisfied, we become hungry and thirsty again... and my relationship with God, I was spiritually hungry and thirsty, I became a Christian and now I am spiritually satisfied.
Now for the story behind this poem. In grade school I was popular, I was just... myself and everyone loved me. I then went to junior high where I wasn't as readily accepted, and the more myself I was, the less accepted I was. I couldn't be me to be liked. I guess the rest is pretty self explanatory.
~Lissa |
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| Lissa's Poem Journal |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|04:30 am] |
This is now a peom journal taken over by yours truly Lissa. After changoing my main journal to my old poem journal I was left with a need for a place for my poems so I could give people a link to them easily. Andrew so graciously offered me his old journal and here I am!
<3 Lissa |
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